Heavy

It is hard to feel good these days. The end of March and into April was even more stressful than last year.  I don't know what it is about this time of year, but I think next year, I'll just skip it.  Trying to focus on the positive, Pat was hired on as a permanent employee at GE, so we won't have the stress of a contract, year-to-year position.  While the money is good, the lack-of-peace of mind is not, and we'd rather have peace.  Jake had an unexpected, but uncomplicated appendix removal just before break.  He remained the trooper that he always has been, and came through with flying colors.

School resumed after April break. Due to the early timing of Easter this year, we're looking at an eleven week span with only one day off (Memorial Day), which, at this time, seems endless for students and staff alike.  Spring seems like it will never get here, and if we get a glimpse, it does not stay for more than a day.

I continue to be weighed down by my worry for my son.  Is he truly happy?  Have we made the right decisions for him in terms of his medication and education?  Do we push him too much?  Should we push him more?

I worry that my daughter will become caught in all the material trappings of society.  That she will be led, rather than guide. That appearances will mean more than substance.  That she will take the easy route and not live up to her potential.

I worry that my husband will not find peace of mind.  That contentment and happiness will elude him, as sleep does now.

I question whether we will ever have answers to the disappearance of a missing acquaintance.  I cannot imagine what her family is going through, stuck in limbo that must feel more like Hell.  I still hope and pray for her safe return, but know that it is unlikely.  I don't think the news of her death would be the worst thing anymore...I think the worst thing is not knowing.

I watch friends grieve over the lost possibilities of their angels.  There is nothing I can do to ease their pain.  They are missing a piece that cannot be found.  And I cannot help them.

My heart breaks reading the story of a family who has lost more than anyone ever should.  She could be me.  Another mom, another amatuer blogger, another Kate.  My heart goes out to the Leong Family.  Read their tale here, but be warned to have tissues ready.  I question why two people have to endure such a road.

And lastly, I can barely process the horrific events of yesterday.  I grieve for the heartache and pain that is being felt.  I have walked that street, I have watched that race.  In the past, I have been there.  Three lives lost.  Countless limbs lost.  A war zone in my favorite place on earth. I cannot imagine the pain Bill Richard is going through. His wife has a brain injury, his 6 year-old daughter lost her leg, and his 8 year-old son lost his life.  How do you carry on?  How do you get up every day with that heavy a loss weighing down on you?

I apologize that this is not an upbeat post.  It is hard to feel good right now.  I know that this feeling will lift.  With every smile and hug, every random act of kindness.  With people being kind to each other and all shouldering the load, it will all feel a little less heavy.

I took my kids to Boston for the first time 6 weeks ago.  This is in the Public Garden, just  off Boylston St.