Wednesday, March 14, 2012

At the end of my rope

You know how when you're going along, and things seem all peachy, then WHAM!  You get hit and good and you can no longer tell up from down.  That's where I am now.

I'm having a crisis of career, which, in turn, is leading to a crisis of conscience.

I sooooooo want to quit my job right now.  However, this is not feasible.  On the first front, I am trying to justify to my husband why I can't work full time.  He just does not understand my need to be home at least some of the time for the kids.  So, being unemployed would not fly.  Secondly (sorry to admit this), but money. I certainly don't make tons, but I do contribute fairly to our household.  Thirdly, benefits.  In order to have health insurance, I have to work.

Those are the logistics about it from my end.

What is prompting this, you might ask.

I'm frustrated and feel impotent.  I keep getting handed situation after situation where someone did not or has not done what he or she was supposed to do.  However, I cannot solve the problems I keep getting handed.  It is up to the higher ups and the mucky-mucks to deal with these issues.  I'm even willing to provide some problem solving.  But, no one cares.  I am yelling into the wind.  But the issues are important.

I am so frustrated that I just want to throw in the towel.  I know no matter what I do, it will not make a difference and I am most likely just shooting myself in the foot.

So, I just want to run away.  Take the easy way out.  But that's not me.

It's giving me a headache, a stomach ache and is making my face more wrinkled (like that needs any more help!).

I have told many people that I am ready to walk away.  I just cannot deal with this any longer.  I'm not strong enough to withstand the constant pressure and expectations, especially when no one else seems to have any standards.

But then,  I went to visit a student, whom I had worked with a few years ago.  He, indeed has needs that are not being met, and I could help him. I immediately began addressing the issue with staff and the student, and reached out to the student's mother. I got to spend time with this student.  He is absolutely wonderful.  He is bright, and charming, and a beautiful person inside.  Spending time with him lifted my spirits.  He has that effect.  And as I pulled away from his school, I thought "HE is why I deal with all the shit."  I deal with all the shit so that kids like him can get a break in this world.  I still don't want to deal with it all, but I know that, at least for a little while longer, I will.

He is why I cannot walk away.


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