Prom Season

May 20, 2012

So, it's prom season. I have lots of friends whose kids are going or have gone. About 120 years ago, I even went myself. Actually, it was more like 18 years ago. This is what I looked like:

Sorry, Ned, but the image is out there. Personally, I think we look pretty good. I can honestly say that I can look at this picture without cringing. I am laughing because I remember you saying, as the picture was snapped, "You're going to say in 25 years, who was that guy?"

It was the mid-90's, and Jessica McClintock was still a huge designer. We were just graduating from poofed sleeves, hoops and super shiny satin. Floral hair combs were still big. Anyway, going to a catholic school, we had to wear white to prom. We also wore the same dress for graduation the night before. There were some strict guidelines about dresses. I feel it is time to bring some of those guidelines back.

The Times Union has posted pictures from many of the various school proms. Some of the pictures are downright horrifying. I mean, these are 16, 17 or 18 year old girls. I'm guessing very few are actually paid prostitutes or belly dancers. Yet, that is what their dresses look like. I would love to put some of the pictures directly on here, but I don't know what the legal ramifications are of that. I urge you to go look at the "Were You Seen?" section of the Times Union.

Based on those photos, I am making a DO/DON'T list for prom attire. (I know it is too late to help so many girls, as evidenced by the photos. If I can help one poor girl, then my work here is done)

DO NOT wear a dress with a cut-out, key hole, or with other miscellaneous fabric missing from the mid-section, front or back. Bare midriffs belong at the beach, not on the dance floor.
DO NOT wear a dress that the top is connected to the bottom with only miscellaneous strips of fabric or beading. You are not a belly dancer.
DO NOT wear a dress with a plunge in the center that is below your breasts. You are NOT Jennifer Lopez, and that look is even getting tired on her.
DO NOT wear a dress with such an odd top that you need to have mom sew in a random strap, anchor or use double-sided tape to keep from giving a peep show.
If wearing a strapless dress, DO make sure that it comes up high enough. While your date may appreciate the view, it stresses everyone else out wondering just when your nipple will pop out. Plus, you look cheap.
DO NOT wear a dress with a slit up to your groin.
DO NOT wear a dress that is so short you must get a Brazilian wax to wear it.
Unless it is the plummers' prom, DO NOT wear a dress that is cut down to your ass crack.
DO NOT spray tan. You will look like an Oompa Loompa.
DO NOT bleach your hair (especially bad in combo with #9).
DO NOT bring your infant as your prom date.
DO NOT wear sneakers (exemption if your have a foot/leg injury/issue, but for God sake, at lease bedazzle them!).
DO make sure your dress fits properly. This is especially important if you are a little bigger. No one wants to conjure up the image of a stuffed sausage.

It's hard to fault the girls who made some of the most God-awful fashion blunders. They may have chosen the dresses, but I doubt they paid for them. Where are their mothers and fathers who let them out of the house dressed like that? 16, 17 and 18 is really not that old. Dress like a young woman, not a harlot! Save some kind of innocence for our society. Look youthful, not like Linday Lohan after an all night bender. PLEASE stop trying to look like a Kardashian and just be a kid! When you look back in 18 years, whether or not you remember your prom date, you will thank me!